TIMEPIECES (1)

Watches.

I do not wear a watch, but it is not because I haven’t tried, it’s just my watch experiences have been generally unsuccessful to this point!

I can still remember the excitement I felt about the first watch I ever owned. On reflection it was vile, but at the age of thirteen I thought it was beautiful. It had a white leather strap and it’s USP - which was actually considered revolutionary in the 1980’s, hard though that may be to believe now - was that you could change the appearance of your watch by changing the different coloured plastic rings surrounding the face. It came in a presentation box which impressively displayed the five brightly coloured rings supplied, apparently so your watch could match any number of outfits in your wardrobe (when considering the obvious folly and general lack of taste in this idea, it must be considered that the 1980’s were to fashion what lard is to skincare - large shocking pink plastic earrings were considered stylish for goodness sake!!)! It wasn’t long of course before the thin plastic rings snapped, the white leather strap looked grubby and the watch started to hop, skip and jump all over the place.

The next watch was meant to be ‘arty’ and had a numberless face made from mother of pearl. Apart from the fact I could never really tell what the time was, this watch was great, until one day I looked at it and it literally just fell apart before my eyes - first the glass came away, then the pin holding on the hands fell out and the little gold hands had no fingernails to cling on by - it was tragic. Watches which followed have included:

A Swatch, which was (again!) at the cutting edge of fashion until, almost overnight, it was decided they were not the cutting edge of fashion and that wearing one was akin to smiling with cabbage stuck to your teeth.

A cheap cartoon character watch. These became popular some years back as a kind of joke about the phrase “Mickey Mouse watch”. Somebody clearly thought they were being hilarious by making a watch which actually had a picture of Mickey Mouse on it. I thought I was funnier and devastatingly ironic because I bought one with British animation legends, Wallace and Gromit, on the face and strap. I know, your sides are splitting. The joke was on me though when I went to buy a new battery and was told it was not ‘that kind of watch’!

An expensive and beautiful watch for my 21st birthday. Gucci. Olive green. Gorgeous. Stolen from my wrist in a nightclub. Irreplaceable as discontinued. Still upset about it eleven years later!

Cheap watch from a high street clothes shop. It was what is popularly known as a ‘bangle watch’. The ‘bangle’ fell off and financially was not worth replacing. Never really liked it anyway as every time I looked at it I resented the fact it wasn’t my lovely Gucci watch! To be honest, it probably detected this and simply lost the will to live.

Watch acquired with petrol tokens. Ghastly. Hideous. Too big. Strap (which was ‘leather effect’) broke within a few months and really wasn’t worth replacing.

Expensive watch my husband gave me as a wedding present. I wore this watch for some years, but two years ago my wrist developed an allergy to the metal strap which is, of course, no symbol at all about out marriage! I have tried again several times to wear it but it inflames my skin within hours, so it lounges, still ticking, at the bottom of my jewellery box.

I am now in the sticky position of not wanting to waste money on a watch if it is just going to end up with a similar fate to the others, and so stubbornly hold out on myself until I can afford to spend some serious money on a decent watch that will outlive me. When I say ‘serious money’, I’m talking the kind of watch that is made from a metal they don’t also use to build bridges, the kind of watch that has diamonds twinkling around the face and which will still be twinkling long after the glint has gone from my mortal eyes. I’m talking about the kind of watch my daughter will hand down to her grandchildren.

The great flaw in this grand plan/stubborness of mine though is that I am never likely to have that kind of money to spend on a watch. I could be ultra down-to-Earth here and say I am never likely to have that kind of money at all, to spend on a watch or anything else for that matter, but to say that would be to give up all my hopes and dreams and reasons for living, which would put a downer on the day to say the least, so I won’t. The thing is, even if I do ever have that kind of money to spend on a watch, I probably still wouldn’t. There are too many things that would be on the list first: diamond earrings, fast cars, pens and various items of luxury stationery, ridiculously expensive shoes, dental work!

This doesn’t mean I have no need for a watch though; I am always asking people the time and have been known to leave the house with a clock in my bag - but that's another story - so I should probably just bite the bullet and buy myself a new watch. Nothing fancy. Something practical and unassuming and of course, cheap! At least I can rest assured that it will have plenty of company when it ends up at the bottom of my jewellery box!